L is very sad that I'm a Celebrity has now finished, and I can sympathise because I think it will be the same for me next weekend after the Strictly final. She looked forward to it starting for weeks beforehand, and then watched every episode, apart from those which featured rats, during which she adopted the Dr Who cushion in front of the face pose. I dipped in and out of it, and quite enjoyed it too. John Barrowman and Emily Atack were my favourites, although I did feel a bit for Fleur who I think was the victim of selective editing.
L said how much Emily reminded her of T, my eldest daughter, and I totally agreed, they were very similar in so many ways. Emily was noisy and bouncy, constantly singing and dancing, but didn't realise just how lovely she is, and lacked confidence. She got through all of the trials, despite being frightened of most things and although she screamed her head off, she was very brave. And that's just like my girl.
It puzzles me why these beautiful, feisty, funny, amazing young women lack self confidence, and are constantly worrying about not measuring up to other people's ideals. I have always struggled with my weight, and used to think that it affected the way that people saw me, and perhaps as I got bigger, it may have incurred judgement or stereotyping from people who didn't know me. But what I am now realising is that my size or weight does not dictate who I am or what I am like. It really is what is on the inside that matters, and in general, other than in extreme cases, people tend not to be treated that differently according to their size or weight.
It has taken all of this time for me to realise that the only person who really cares about my weight is me. It is great that after having lost a couple of stone, I feel much healthier, can do much more, and I like it that my clothes fit me so much better. For the first time ever this week I rang the bell in the Next changing rooms to ask for a smaller size. That was a thrill, but it meant nothing to anyone else. I hope I can continue to eat healthily and lose weight, because it just makes me feel better about me, and makes me feel younger. But it doesn't make me a better person.
My husband and my kids don't love me any more or less because of it. People aren't nicer to me, and really it doesn't affect anyone else. It is right, nobody else cares. And I wish I could get this across to my daughters, and to other young women who are really so obsessed with how they think they should look, that no matter how you look, you won't ever be everybody's cup of tea. There will always be someone prettier, thinner, with longer legs or better hair or eyebrows (whoever knew that eyebrows were ever going to be a thing!) or bigger bum (I have waited all my life for that one however, at last, I am in fashion, or at least part of me is). Just be who you want to be, don't worry about other people and what they think about you. You are none of their business. Just be kind, and just be you.
And in the case of my eldest daughter T, you are beautiful and amazing and talented and funny and smart and sassy. Just be happy, you are my sunshine. Change what you want to change, but only do it for yourself.
I hope that Emily of the jungle continues to like herself, and stops being so concerned about things that don't matter. I like a lot of things about that girl, but most of all, that she reminds me so much of my own girl. They even have a favourite insult in common which I haven't heard since T left to go up North to Uni. Emily will have had no idea how much pleasure she gave me when she called someone a bell end. I love those girls!
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